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Hanoi, Vietnam. PHOTO: Sarah Lofgren

The Ultimate Epic Packing List

Is it too epic? You decide.

Packing is a pain in the patooty, but my life’s mission is to not only overcome, but dazzle and dominate.

  • It’ll be easier to find your bag in the sea of black, practical cases and sad little duffles everyone else packed.
  • Every new person you meet will know you’re SPECIAL.
  • People often lose weight while traveling, so you’ll want to bring your normal jeans and your skinny jeans.
  • Never go anywhere without a swimsuit.
  • And ten towels. (For cuddling, mopping things up, using as makeshift dresses, creating a tent if your lodging falls through, etc. If you’ve read Hitchhiker’s Guide, you know all about this.)
  • A ball gown or tuxedo (whichever is your preference). Sure, you think you’re only going on a camping trip, but what if you run into a prince with tickets to a ball and it’s that night and he wants you to go with him? Good thing you brought your formal wear!
  • Guidebooks and maps (as many as possible).
  • The dorkiest hat possible, especially if you’re American. There’s a rule that Americans have to wear ridiculous hats when traveling.
  • Your favorite stuffed animal (so you don’t get lonely). Even if you have human companionship for your trip, stuffed animals are more forgiving.
  • Hiking boots, flip flops, sneakers, oxfords, ballet flats, and high heels (regardless of gender).
  • The United States Constitution (regardless of nationality).
  • Snacks (as many as you can).
  • A book (but only the kind that can be purchased from an airport newsstand). Even if you aren’t traveling by plane, you should still probably swing by an airport newstand so you can pick up the exact right thriller or 5 pound beauty magazine (with 4.8 pounds of ads).
  • Antacids (if you’re a farter).
  • Perfume (apply liberally, esp if you’re sitting next to me on the plane, because I LOVE sneezing for 8 hours).
  • A printout that you can give people when they ask you your feelings about mr trump (seems this is all anyone wants to talk about, esp when abroad). Even if the printout just reads, “I don’t want to talk about trump,” this will save you a lot of emotional energy.
  • A sexy hand fan that you can open and close in front of your face when you are jet lagged and just don’t want to make eye contact.
  • Gum.
  • Framed pictures of family and friends.
  • Stationary.
  • The biggest camera lens possible (so other people will be impressed). If you have to fashion it out of paper towel rolls and paint, that is fine. Just do a convincing job.
  • A snuggie.
  • A musical instrument so you can spread joy (whether or not you play (learning is easy)).
  • Coloring book and pencils.
  • A disguise (in case of hijinks).

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Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts.

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