I’m so tired of being unenlightened. Wandering around with a tired expression and having my chakras perform a reenactment of Street Fighter when I try and prod them into behaving. Drinking my cheap wine out of otter-themed mugs and drinking my coffee straight out of the pot.
If anyone could use a little enlightenment, it’s me.
But I’m afraid there just isn’t room in my budget for it right now.
I’ve tried looking at it from a few different angles. But, as an unenlightened person, it’s difficult to come up with a solution. I can’t even get my hair under control, but I’m supposed to know how to manage my finances AND my chi? Why can’t I just get enlightened first, then use that enlightenment to make money and pay off my enlightenment later?
I’d like to be thin and rich like Gweneth. I’d like to be wise and dynamic like Rafiki in the Lion King. I’M SORRY IF THOSE ARE MY ONLY CULTURAL TOUCHPOINTS. I’m not enlightened enough to have better ones. 😢
The thing is, enlightenment ain’t cheap. Even if you’re going for the hodgepodge, stitched together version which, let’s admit it, is my favorite version of anything.
For example: Yoga ain’t cheap. This might seem like one of the most natural places to start, since being able to touch your ear to the inside of your knee is a key component of enlightenment. But classes can run upwards of $20 each and that assumes you have all the gear and attire you’ll need. Pinterest warns me that people do not show up for yoga class in flannel shirts and jammie pants. Alas.
I thought maybe I could just pick up a jade egg, since they seem like all the rage amongst enlightened beings. Did you know those things cost $66! A $66 egg! That must be a very fancy chicken. You know what else costs $66? Two oil changes for my car. TWO. While my yoni might benefit from a tune up, it won’t leave me stranded on the side of the road if it doesn’t get one.
Maybe a nice retreat would bring me inner peace. Ha ha. Do I have news for you. You probably aren’t going to be surprised. Turns out it’s a little pricier than stuffing your ripped tent into the car, along with 15 cans of beans, and heading off in a random direction.
I did pick up a candle at a garage sale recently, but I don’t think it’s expensive enough to have any real impact.
So it looks like enlightenment is going to have to wait until after I get my tax refund. But when that happens, look out world! I’m going to be so freaking enlightened that small animals will follow me around and my instagram page will be able to heal people.