Things I Learned While Trying to Steal Christmas
It isn’t as easy as the Grinch makes it look.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas is not as comprehensive a blueprint as the standard Christmas thief might wish. Sure, it offers a lot of inspiration, but the book leaves out specifics in favor of adhering to storytelling conventions. And this can get some people into trouble!
If you’re considering stealing Christmas this year, you might be surprised to hear it isn’t as easy as a children’s book makes it sound.
Here are a few things I leaned while trying to steal Christmas.
- Stealing Christmas is hard on the body. Sure, you believe you’ll be able to squeeze in and out of chimneys all night long, but remember the last time you played frisbee golf and you sprained your shoulder by jumping in the wrong direction? You are not as spry as you think you are.
- Green hair dye should not be used on skin. Turns out it gives you zits and is next to impossible to wash off. Try explaining that to your inlaws.
- You might think you need a puppy sidekick, but it turns out most dogs aren’t helpful when it comes to stealing Christmas. If you expect a dog to pull a sled filled with presents, you’re going to need to be very specific as to breed. Most dogs would prefer to yip at carolers and smell as many crotches as possible.
- A lot of people have cameras in their homes. A LOT. The first thing you should do is give those cameras a little tinsel spritzing. Otherwise the cops show up and it turns out you’re in an entirely different kind of Christmas movie.
- Leave time for a cocoa break halfway through the night. Sure, cocoa symbolizes the joy and excess of the holiday season and theoretically you should be against it, but it’s damn delicious and, as long as you don’t write a Medium post about it, no one will ever know.
- It’s kind of creepy to steal candy canes from children. You don’t realize it ahead of time, but when you’re actually doing it, a voice in your head starts whispering, “Are you sure this is who you want to be?” Pushing past that voice won’t make you feel great about yourself.
- Roast beef? Doesn’t travel well. Turnips, either. They make your whole sleigh stink. You’re better off dumping any fresh food items on the side of the road, rather than bringing them along with you. Don’t worry, this will be even more depressing for the people who were planning on eating the food.
- Don’t wear headphones and listen to podcasts while you’re stealing Christmas. Sure, the night can get repetitive and you might think you need entertainment, but it’s important to stay alert and you can’t do that if you’re wrapped up in a sexy new cold case.
- Turns out authenticity in Santa suits isn’t important when you’re stealing Christmas. No one looks closely. No one will even see you if you do your job right! You don’t have to splurge on the expensive version with embroidery and fancy fake fur. The only thing that matters is the beard.
- Look out for cats! They tend to be awake at night and they’re always watching. Sure, they won’t alert their families to your presence, but it can be unnerving when they stare at you judgmentally.
- If you live in a larger village, town or city, you might want to target a segment of that area, instead of trying to steal Christmas from everyone. You aren’t a failure! You’re just practicing self care through imposing realistic expectations.
- At the end of the night, when you’re prepared to throw Christmas off the cliff, then it’s time to put on those headphones. That way you won’t hear any deadly, dangerous, plan-destroying songs coming from the town below. These days, it doesn’t matter how big your heart grows. Forgiveness and understanding are in short supply. Return Christmas and folks will have someone to pin the crime on. How does ten years in prison sound? Not great! So stop your ears, harden your heart and toss all those goodies over the edge of the cliff. Then take a long vacation somewhere with lots of beaches and no extradition treaty.