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A bridge. PHOTO: Sarah Lofgren

This is how the Batgirl movie should go

Keeping in mind that I know very little about Batgirl

I heard that Joss Whedon stepped away from the Batgirl movie, because he couldn’t figure out a good idea for a story. This seems like a great opportunity for me, since they’re going to need a new person to be in charge of this whole dealio and I’m a woman with a lot of ideas. Here’s a pitch. I’ll be waiting by the phone, Hollywood.

BATGIRL: THE MOVIE

INT. BATCAVE — NIGHT

BATMAN is working frantically at his laptop. BATS fly overhead.

BAT 1: click click click click click

BAT 2: click click click click click click

BAT 3: click click click

BATMAN: Could you guys shut up? I know Batman is supposed to like bats and all, but the Joker is loose in Gotham for the millionth time. He’s started a gang and the wifi is really shitty in this cave, so Batman needs to concentrate.

BAT 2: (indignant) click

ALFRED enters the cave.

ALFRED: Have you tried logging into the Starbucks wifi from next door? That’s what I’ve been doing.

BATMAN: That seems like a security risk.

ALFRED: I have had my credit card number stolen like eight different times, so you might be right about that.

INT. STARBUCKS — NIGHT

TEENAGER WITH UNICORN FRAPPUCCINO: Hey! Look! This guy is entering a new credit card into Sephora again!

TEENAGER WITH COOL SNEAKERS: Again? Booyah! We’re getting samosas tonight!

INT. BATCAVE — NIGHT

BATMAN: Damn it. This Google Maps page won’t load. Do you know where the Gotham Grill is?

ALFRED: THE GOTHAM GRILL? You don’t want to go there!

BATMAN: Batman isn’t afraid of anything!

ALFRED: But they overcook their meat.

BATMAN: That is a little scary. But Batman can handle it.

ALFRED: I’d feel better if you brought backup.

BATMAN: Batman doesn’t need batup.

ALFRED: Backup

BATMAN: That’s what I said

ALFRED: No, you said “Batup”.

BATMAN: No I didn’t.

BAT 1: Yes, you did.

BATMAN: (poses thoughtfully with one finger in the air) Then maybe batup is exactly what I need.

INT. BRUCE MANOR — NIGHT

BATMAN is using Elmer’s Glue to form a bunch of bats into a vaguely girl-shaped creature.

BATMAN: Tada! I shall call you: Batgirl! Batman is a genius.

BATGIRL: I think I liked it better when I was 30 different bats.

BATMAN: But now you can fight evil!

BATGIRL: Meh.

ALFRED: I have so many questions.

EXT. GOTHAM GRILL — NIGHT

The batcar pulls up to the Gotham Grill and parks in front of a fire hydrant. BATMAN exits the batcar, followed by BATGIRL.

BATMAN: Could you try and walk more normal? People are looking at us.

BATGIRL: I’m doing pretty well for a bunch of bats glued together into the shape of a girl. I mean, you got a whole backstory with dead parents and traveling the world and stuff. My backstory is mostly pooping and clicking. So, we’re pretty lucky I’m walking at all.

BATMAN: Batman should have made you less whiney.

BATGIRL: While you were at it, you could have spent a little more time on my knees, which are bending all weird, and a little less time on my boobs, which are suspiciously well-formed. I think knees are going to be more helpful than boobs for fighting evil.

BATMAN: You clearly haven’t seen any superhero movies.

INT. GOTHAM GRILL — NIGHT

BATMAN and BATGIRL are sitting at a table.

WAITER WHO IS THE JOKER IN DISGUISE: Can I bring you any drinks?

BATMAN: I am still trying to decide what Batman’s signature drink is going to be. Nothing seems dark enough.

BATGIRL: For me? Cow’s blood would be amazing. Do you think you could spit in it?

WAITER WHO IS THE JOKER IN DISGUISE: I always do!

They laugh and BATMAN looks annoyed. WAITER WHO IS THE JOKER IN DISGUISE wanders off in the direction of the kitchen.

BATMAN: Don’t laugh with him! That guy is clearly The Joker!

BATGIRL: Aren’t we supposed to laugh at jokers?

BATMAN: Did Alfred not prep you on the mission?

BATGIRL: He helped me pick out a great foundation at Sephora.

BATMAN puts his face in the palm of his hand.

BATGIRL: I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t like the name Batgirl. It makes me feel like another one of your accessories. There’s a batcave, a batcar and now a batgirl.

BATMAN: It’s called branding.

BATGIRL: Yeah, but you don’t even use your instagram account. There’s like, one picture of a bag lunch and an upside down selfie. Don’t pretend you care about branding.

BATMAN: We need to focus on a strategy for dealing with The Joker.

BATGIRL: I will be able to focus better when I have a proper name. I’d like you to call me Deborah.

BATMAN: Batman will not call you Deborah. That’s a stupid name.

WAITER WHO IS THE JOKER IN DISGUISE: Here’s your beverage, Deborah!

BATMAN: This has been a really long day and Batman would like to keep things simple here. We know you’re The Joker. It’s time for a big fight scene.

THE JOKER: Really, man? I’m just trying to make some extra cash during my time off. I’m not doing anything evil! Except overcooking the occasional steak. Do I come to your job and and try to fight you?

BATMAN: You’ve literally done that exact thing.

DEBORAH: This has been a long day for me, too. What I’d really like is to kick back and enjoy an overcooked steak. I’m not sure I have the knees for a whole fight scene.

THE JOKER: Has he complimented your contouring yet? Because that is a really great application job, Deborah. And I watch A LOT of tutorials on YouTube.

DEBORAH: No, he hasn’t mentioned it.

BATMAN: Batman doesn’t like what is happening here.

THE JOKER: Can I show you where I spit in the drinks?

DEBORAH: That sounds fascinating. Yes, please.

The exit the dining room together.

BATMAN: This is not how Batman saw this going.

ANOTHER WAITER: (comes up to the table) Are you okay?

BATMAN: The Joker just stole Batgirl. They’re probably going to start a whole reign of terror together. So much for binge-watching The Crown this weekend.

DEBORAH walks back into the dining room alone. There is blood on her hands.

DEBORAH: Did you say The Crown? I heard that was supposed to be good.

BATMAN: Did you just kill The Joker?

DEBORAH: Oh, this? This is just from the cow’s blood drink.

BATMAN: (looks sad) Oh.

DEBORAH: Kidding! I totally killed him. Let’s get dinner to go.

BATMAN: Yay! Wait, can we do that? Just kill him?

DEBORAH: Also, I’m not interested in you like that, so this is going to be a purely platonic relationship. You hear me, future screenwriters? I AM NOT GOING TO KISS BATMAN. EVER. EW. IF I SHOW UP IN THE THIRD MOVIE WANTING TO KISS BATMAN, I’VE BEEN BODYSNATCHED AND YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED.

BATMAN: What’s wrong with wanting to kiss Batman?

DEBORAH: You didn’t even notice my contouring.

So, there’s my screenplay. I think I’ve really managed to capture the voices of the characters. Hopefully Hollywood will take it seriously, because having a female perspective on this project would mean a lot to a lot of people.

I make stuff. Sometimes for money. You can follow me on twitter if you’re into that. 👍

Written by

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts. http://sarahlofgren.com

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