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A bridge. PHOTO: Sarah Lofgren

This is how the Batgirl movie should go

Keeping in mind that I know very little about Batgirl

I heard that Joss Whedon stepped away from the Batgirl movie, because he couldn’t figure out a good idea for a story. This seems like a great opportunity for me, since they’re going to need a new person to be in charge of this whole dealio and I’m a woman with a lot of ideas. Here’s a pitch. I’ll be waiting by the phone, Hollywood.



BATMAN is working frantically at his laptop. BATS fly overhead.

BAT 1: click click click click click

BAT 2: click click click click click click

BAT 3: click click click

BATMAN: Could you guys shut up? I know Batman is supposed to like bats and all, but the Joker is loose in Gotham for the millionth time. He’s started a gang and the wifi is really shitty in this cave, so Batman needs to concentrate.

BAT 2: (indignant) click

ALFRED enters the cave.

ALFRED: Have you tried logging into the Starbucks wifi from next door? That’s what I’ve been doing.

BATMAN: That seems like a security risk.

ALFRED: I have had my credit card number stolen like eight different times, so you might be right about that.


TEENAGER WITH UNICORN FRAPPUCCINO: Hey! Look! This guy is entering a new credit card into Sephora again!

TEENAGER WITH COOL SNEAKERS: Again? Booyah! We’re getting samosas tonight!


BATMAN: Damn it. This Google Maps page won’t load. Do you know where the Gotham Grill is?

ALFRED: THE GOTHAM GRILL? You don’t want to go there!

BATMAN: Batman isn’t afraid of anything!

ALFRED: But they overcook their meat.

BATMAN: That is a little scary. But Batman can handle it.

ALFRED: I’d feel better if you brought backup.

BATMAN: Batman doesn’t need batup.

ALFRED: Backup

BATMAN: That’s what I said

ALFRED: No, you said “Batup”.

BATMAN: No I didn’t.

BAT 1: Yes, you did.

BATMAN: (poses thoughtfully with one finger in the air) Then maybe batup is exactly what I need.


BATMAN is using Elmer’s Glue to form a bunch of bats into a vaguely girl-shaped creature.

BATMAN: Tada! I shall call you: Batgirl! Batman is a genius.

BATGIRL: I think I liked it better when I was 30 different bats.

BATMAN: But now you can fight evil!


ALFRED: I have so many questions.


The batcar pulls up to the Gotham Grill and parks in front of a fire hydrant. BATMAN exits the batcar, followed by BATGIRL.

BATMAN: Could you try and walk more normal? People are looking at us.

BATGIRL: I’m doing pretty well for a bunch of bats glued together into the shape of a girl. I mean, you got a whole backstory with dead parents and traveling the world and stuff. My backstory is mostly pooping and clicking. So, we’re pretty lucky I’m walking at all.

BATMAN: Batman should have made you less whiney.

BATGIRL: While you were at it, you could have spent a little more time on my knees, which are bending all weird, and a little less time on my boobs, which are suspiciously well-formed. I think knees are going to be more helpful than boobs for fighting evil.

BATMAN: You clearly haven’t seen any superhero movies.


BATMAN and BATGIRL are sitting at a table.

WAITER WHO IS THE JOKER IN DISGUISE: Can I bring you any drinks?

BATMAN: I am still trying to decide what Batman’s signature drink is going to be. Nothing seems dark enough.

BATGIRL: For me? Cow’s blood would be amazing. Do you think you could spit in it?


They laugh and BATMAN looks annoyed. WAITER WHO IS THE JOKER IN DISGUISE wanders off in the direction of the kitchen.

BATMAN: Don’t laugh with him! That guy is clearly The Joker!

BATGIRL: Aren’t we supposed to laugh at jokers?

BATMAN: Did Alfred not prep you on the mission?

BATGIRL: He helped me pick out a great foundation at Sephora.

BATMAN puts his face in the palm of his hand.

BATGIRL: I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t like the name Batgirl. It makes me feel like another one of your accessories. There’s a batcave, a batcar and now a batgirl.

BATMAN: It’s called branding.

BATGIRL: Yeah, but you don’t even use your instagram account. There’s like, one picture of a bag lunch and an upside down selfie. Don’t pretend you care about branding.

BATMAN: We need to focus on a strategy for dealing with The Joker.

BATGIRL: I will be able to focus better when I have a proper name. I’d like you to call me Deborah.

BATMAN: Batman will not call you Deborah. That’s a stupid name.

WAITER WHO IS THE JOKER IN DISGUISE: Here’s your beverage, Deborah!

BATMAN: This has been a really long day and Batman would like to keep things simple here. We know you’re The Joker. It’s time for a big fight scene.

THE JOKER: Really, man? I’m just trying to make some extra cash during my time off. I’m not doing anything evil! Except overcooking the occasional steak. Do I come to your job and and try to fight you?

BATMAN: You’ve literally done that exact thing.

DEBORAH: This has been a long day for me, too. What I’d really like is to kick back and enjoy an overcooked steak. I’m not sure I have the knees for a whole fight scene.

THE JOKER: Has he complimented your contouring yet? Because that is a really great application job, Deborah. And I watch A LOT of tutorials on YouTube.

DEBORAH: No, he hasn’t mentioned it.

BATMAN: Batman doesn’t like what is happening here.

THE JOKER: Can I show you where I spit in the drinks?

DEBORAH: That sounds fascinating. Yes, please.

The exit the dining room together.

BATMAN: This is not how Batman saw this going.

ANOTHER WAITER: (comes up to the table) Are you okay?

BATMAN: The Joker just stole Batgirl. They’re probably going to start a whole reign of terror together. So much for binge-watching The Crown this weekend.

DEBORAH walks back into the dining room alone. There is blood on her hands.

DEBORAH: Did you say The Crown? I heard that was supposed to be good.

BATMAN: Did you just kill The Joker?

DEBORAH: Oh, this? This is just from the cow’s blood drink.

BATMAN: (looks sad) Oh.

DEBORAH: Kidding! I totally killed him. Let’s get dinner to go.

BATMAN: Yay! Wait, can we do that? Just kill him?

DEBORAH: Also, I’m not interested in you like that, so this is going to be a purely platonic relationship. You hear me, future screenwriters? I AM NOT GOING TO KISS BATMAN. EVER. EW. IF I SHOW UP IN THE THIRD MOVIE WANTING TO KISS BATMAN, I’VE BEEN BODYSNATCHED AND YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED.

BATMAN: What’s wrong with wanting to kiss Batman?

DEBORAH: You didn’t even notice my contouring.

So, there’s my screenplay. I think I’ve really managed to capture the voices of the characters. Hopefully Hollywood will take it seriously, because having a female perspective on this project would mean a lot to a lot of people.

I make stuff. Sometimes for money. You can follow me on twitter if you’re into that. 👍

Written by

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts.

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