Thoughts from the Dentist’s Chair
Please stop poking my gums
I wonder if dentists have flecks of mouth goo sprinkled throughout their hair when they go home at night.
Should I close my eyes? Is it weird if I close my eyes? Is eye contact weirder? Eye contact is definitely weirder.
I wonder if they ever want to go further. Imagine being a spelunker and only being able to explore the mouth of the cave, but knowing there’s a whole network of tunnels and chambers just beyond. I bet they want to go further sometimes.
If this man pokes me in the gums one more time I am going to lose my shit.
I don’t think I’ve heard this song since 1995. I don’t think ANYONE has heard this song since 1995.
I wonder what the weirdest thing they’ve ever found in someone’s mouth is. I bet it’s something like a GI Joe or bottle cap. I wonder if, when they have dentist parties, they share stories about the weirdest stuff they’ve found in people’s mouths and the winner gets a prize. Something out of the toy box.
I bet the music at dentist parties is a real drag.
I should do a list of top ten dentist portrayals committed to film. Was it Waiting for Guffman or Best in Show when Eugene Levy played a dentist? Man, I love Eugene Levy. Steve Martin in Little Shop of Horrors is also pretty great. I wonder what real dentists think of that performance. I bet they don’t like it.
You can’t hide anything from a dentist. You could lie and tell them you floss your teeth every day, but it won’t do you any good. They know right away that you’re lying. Imagine if priests had that power. None of us would be safe.
I wonder if they’re ever tempted to scrape their initials into someone’s plaque.
They should really massage my gums after a strenuous flossing. It would let me know they care and that’s worth a lot in this cynical, modern world.
I wonder if anyone has ever spit out a cartoon-style fountain with the water the dentist squirts into their mouth. If so, that person should be our queen.
They should take surprise photos throughout the cleaning and at the end of your appointment you can look at all the photos and buy a printout of the one you like, like at Splash Mountain.
Sarah is a freelancer living in Seattle. She needs to use mouthwash on a daily basis, because her gum health is a little iffy, according to her dentist. If you’re into her whole thing, she has a twitter and an instagram.
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