Three Top Notch Toothpicks for Under 10,000 Dollary Doos
for those on a budget.
Toothpicks are an unavoidable implement in modern day dining. The devil’s doohickeys, if you will. You eat a meal. You go to the bathroom. You wash your hands, then you look in the mirror. There it is.
A piece of kale the size of that diamond Kate Winslet wore for her Oscar nominated role in the movie Titanic.
You stick your finger in your mouth, but your fat little digits can’t quite get at the chunk of food nestled between your incisors. A swish of tap water (the common people’s beer) around the gum line doesn’t do the job, either. That kale was sent from hell to torment you and the only thing that will get it out is a toothpick.
Probably the restaurant has free toothpicks. Sure, you could use free toothpicks to pick out the kale, BUT WHAT WOULD THAT SAY ABOUT YOU AS A PERSON? It would say you’re willing to compromise on quality. It would say you’re willing to stick any old thing in your mouth, so long as it comes in a paper wrapper or a cloudy glass beside a cash register. It says you don’t plan ahead. It says you hate the earth.
It says you don’t value the person sitting across from you, the amazing person who has to watch you use a disposable utensil to rid yourself of kale.
My friend, if you reach for that free toothpick, you might as well be stapling a sticky note to your forehead that reads, “Demote me. I’m willing to settle.”
One of the best things you can do in life is invest in the kind of toothpick that says you are a Human Being With Taste (buds).
You can trust me, because I am a writer.
If you’re starting to fall behind in your career or you aren’t getting the respect you deserve from teenagers online, it could be because you’re not paying attention to the wooden tools you’re sticking in your yap (it’s certainly not because they googled your name and found thirty three vague and discomfiting references to “duck stuff”).
Cheer up, buddy!
You’re only a few steps away from upgrading your tooth picking experience and, by extension, upgrading your life. Because I totally understand the challenges of living on a budget, I’ve made certain that none of the toothpicks on this list are over 10,000 dollary doos. Yes, they might be a little inexpensive, but every toothpick has been tested for quality by my unpaid intern who is very passionate and thorough when it comes to issues relating to oral hygiene (otherwise we force her to pay us to work here).
The Silver-Plated Flippy Tooth Elect — $5,799
Nothing screams bourgeois like a toothpick plated in gold. But you’re not looking to announce your status to the world with a flugelhorn. A true fancy person knows flutes are classier.
That’s why we recommend the Silver-Plated Flippy Tooth Elect over the gold version. Plus, it’s an absolute steal at $5,799. For the quality of craftsmanship the fine folks at Flippy are famous for, I’d pay twice as much. Three times, even! And, on the far-off day when the Tooth Elect does finally break down, there’s nothing quite as elegant as silver slivers in your teeth.
The Auto Tootho Pickito Genuitron — $9,999
The future is automated and you have to let people know you’re the sort of forward-thinking luminary who doesn’t rely on the strength of their own wrists to do the picking and the plucking.
The Auto Tootho Pickito Genuitron comes in a velvet case with an embossed logo that will fit perfectly inside your briefcase or blazer pocket. Imagine how impressed your dinner companion will be when you pull it out, switch it on, stick it in your mouth, and immediately rid your teeth of all foreign invadors. Comes with a plastic bib you can give to your dinner companion so they aren’t coated with any stray mouth goo.
Sir Geevo Bumbikin — $187 an hour
Sir Geevo Bumbikin is less of a toothpick and more of a toothpicking service. Paid hourly, he will accompany you to your dinner date and monitor the state of your mouth at all times. The moment he spots a sesame seed or bit of blueberry tucked in your teeth, he’ll force your mouth open and remove it immediately. He also wears cufflinks.
Everyone has a different lifestyle and it can be difficult to know which tooth picking option is best for you. We recommend purchasing all three to find out which is the best fit for your tender little bicuspids and molars. Fortunately they’re all reasonably priced, so you don’t have to worry about making a major investment. We know what it’s like to have to watch those dollary doos!