Illustration by author

Two Bitcoins Meet in a Coffee Shop

OMG, you guys. I’m just sitting here, sipping my Venti double shot peppermint white soycha with extra whip and a single barista’s tear, scrolling through Bruce Campbell’s tweets, like I like to do every Monday afternoon, when Bitcoin #1 and Bitcoin #2 bump into each other walking through the cafe door and, can you say VIRAL?

Because the only thing more attractive to internet readers than a meet cute is an article about bitcoins.

Here we have both. These two bitcoins are clearly meant for each other. They’re both sexy, with a gold sheen and the sort of crypt-au-courant that’s 100% cryptocurrency and 0% crypto-keeper. Together they’d really make someone’s wallet jingle. They just don’t know it yet!

I’m going to watch them and tell you everything that happens.

They’re standing in line. Both bitcoins are on their phones, probably writing articles on Medium about The Flippening or surreptitiously doublespending themselves to acquire both a pool noodle and a Ron Swanson-shaped chia pet from the dark web.

I wish one of them would look up and notice the other.

Come on, guys! The potential for physical coinage-shattering love is before you! Or at least the promise of an innovative P2P system, which google tells me means peer-to-peer and not anything dirty like I thought.

Oh, look! The first bitcoin is ordering a drink! “Coffee. Black.”

“What size?” the barista asks.

“All of it,” says the bitcoin.

Interesting. Sounds like Bitcoin #1 is a serious writer! Or possibly a psychopath.

Now it’s Bitcoin #2’s turn. “Can you make me one of those cups of chilled, radioactive frosting that’ll make me poop glitter for a week?”

“Oh, I think you mean our Unicorn Feces Frappuccino® Blended Crèmey beverage. Sorry, we’re not carrying that anymore. If you’d like, I can make you a Chimera Farts® Frappy Two Tone beverage. It’s a swirl of strawberries and caramel with a boterwafel cookie on top. I can put glitter in it.”

“Can you put a lot of glitter in it?”

“You’ll be pooping glitter for two weeks.”

Sadly, Bitcoin #1 is not paying any attention to this scintillating conversation, despite it establishing Bitcoin #2 as the perfect, whimsical match for an uptight HODLer. Instead Bitcoin #1 just stands apart, watching with an air of detachment as the baristas behind the counter scurry around trying to find a Humongi cup (three steps above Venti) to hold its coffee.

It’s time for me to do something. Otherwise this perfect opportunity for love will be lost forever. And I cannot do that to my readers.

I clear my throat and look off into the distance.

“Which altcoin should I invest in?” I ask no one in particular. “Dogecoin makes me smile and gives me the satisfaction of paying for my memes. But, at the same time, it would be really great to be able to tell my friends that my money is all tied up in Ether.”

Both bitcoins gasp.

“You can’t be serious!” says Bitcoin #1.

“Dogecoin is a lightweight! No substance! No heft to it at all!” says Bitcoin #2.

“It’s as inconsequential as a candy-coated Frappy with 0.2 shots of espresso!”

“Hey. What about Ethereum? Just because it’s denser and more robust, doesn’t mean it’s going to have the same kind of staying power! We’re not all hypersonic caffeine addicts who want to devour things as quickly as possible.”

Bitcoin #1 chugs its Humongi black coffee in one gulp. “Whatcha say?”

The tension in the cafe is palpable. If I wanted, I could reach out and palpate it like a tub of Playdoh.

“Just kiss!” I yell. “Please, just kiss each other. You’re the perfect couple. It would be beautiful and mystical and renew my faith that there’s some meaning, some plan for this crazy world.”

The bitcoins look at each other in disgust.

“Ew,” says Bitcoin #1.

“I’m already in a polyamorous relationship with a sexy whale and a Russian whose accent makes me swoon. We are NOT looking to add another user to our blockchain.” says Bitcoin #2.

They both hustle away, disappearing into the crowded city sidewalk.

The handsome dude at the table next to me leans over.

“I thought they would have made a cute couple,” he says.

At that moment two self-help tips approach, bumping into each other as they walk through the door. They’re beautiful. They’re perfect. They’re clearly meant for each other.

Here we go!

Thanks for reading! Validate my existence and follow me on twitter.

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts.

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