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Graphic by Sarah

What to wear to the airport when you’re flying for the holidays

And also you’re a crested penguin on a mission for Santa Claus

Knowing what to wear to the airport can be soooooo stressful! What if your jeans are too tight and you end up with your belly floomping out uncomfortably for the whole flight? What if you wear your comfy pants, the ones with the massive chocolate stain on the pocket, and someone snaps a pic and posts it on twitter and you end up going viral for all the wrong reasons?

Or, suppose for an instant you’re a crested penguin on a mission for Santa Claus and you LITERALLY cannot fit a pair of leggings over your webbed feet?

WHAT THEN?

Life is so challenging!

“Empty all your pockets,” they say when you’re standing in the TSA line.

What if you’re a crested penguin on a mission for Santa Claus and you must carry these blueprints in your pocket? For security reasons? Putting them on the conveyer belt could expose them to all kinds of curious eyes!

Frequent travelers will recommend wearing a scarf to the airport, as temperatures on planes can vary wildly.

But they don’t consider how this advice translates for a crested penguin on a mission for Santa Claus. Scarves look adorable on penguins. They turn them into living Christmas ornaments. If a crested penguin puts on a scarf there will be no end to the line of human travelers insisting on hugs and selfies. Which under normal circumstances would be fine. But a crested penguin on a mission for Santa Claus has A MISSION and that mission does not involve being nonstop loved and adored.

That same penguin might have a number of other items it needs to carry discreetly.

What kind of items?

  • Perhaps a compass.
  • A few chew toys.
  • Some holly and some ivy .
  • A 4000 piece puzzle where the image is mostly sky.
  • A German to English dictionary .
  • Blow darts.
  • Christmas-flavored oreos.
  • Yoga DVDs.
  • A mess of wires and batteries THAT ARE NOT DANGEROUS I PROMISE.
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Photo by Andre Mouton on Unsplash

Your first thought might be to tell the crested penguin to put all these items in a briefcase and carry the briefcase onto the plane.

CRESTED PENGUINS DON’T HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS, YOU NIMBYBUTTSHANKS!

Are you making this suggestion because you think it would be humorous to watch a crested penguin on a mission for Santa Claus struggling to push a briefcase through a crowded holiday airport? Then you need serious mental assistance, good sir!

Maybe a little backpack could work. That might be the best choice for a crested penguin on a mission for Santa Claus, but there’s still a fearsome cuteness factor that needs to be accounted for.

Wouldn’t an elf be better?

Or even a reindeer, since they can fly over long distances and bypass the entire transportation industry?

Mrs. Claus would be way more skilled at sneaking into high security government buildings.

Just pointing that out.

I don’t mean to cause trouble. But there are so many logistics to work out. Like whether or not a crested penguin on a mission for Santa Claus should wear a tie to the airport. The aformentioned penguin is representing the North Pole, after all. The aforementioned penguin wishes to be professional. But not in a try-hard, attention grabbing sort of way.

Also these wires come in so many different colors and I’m not sure which ones to cut and which ones to wind together.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

The holidays can be such a stressful time.

Perhaps I’ll go with the snowflake-printed pant suit.

Written by

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts. http://sarahlofgren.com

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