What Your Favorite Serial Killer Says About You
Having recently written an article about fanny packs, I decided it was time to dig into another of life’s dark corners: serial killers.
I’m just going to assume that, unless the murderer is a family member, your favorite murderer is probably a serial killer. After all, they are SO HOT right now. Plus, there’s something about regular murderers that is just sad and pathetic. Serial killers are sad, pathetic and weirdly fascinating.
It’s like if you had a friend who ordered a plate of poop at a restaurant, then, not only did they enjoy the plate of poop, but they continued ordering it night after night. That’s way more inexplicable than the friend who just ordered a plate of poop one time, maybe as a joke.
Who wouldn’t try to figure out what was going on?
(I feel like this article might get me in trouble. Maybe I should stop writing it. Ha ha.)
It turns out, you can learn a lot about a person based on which serial killer is their favorite. Do you think you know your friends and family? Can you tell me which serial killer is their favorite? Maybe you don’t know them as well as you think.
That’s why I think it’s in the interest of society to start having more of these conversations. Nothing brings people together like a tale of tragedy, horror, unspeakable loss, grotesqueness, and the deepest pain of human experience. And what are we here for, if not to gain a deeper understand of each others’ souls?
In the meantime, let’s see what we can find out about you, based on the killer you prefer.
What gender is your favorite serial killer?
Is your favorite serial killer male? Statistically there are more of them to choose from. However, there have been a handful of female serial killers throughout history. If you’ve taken a shine to one of the ladies, then you’re clearly a feminist who is eager for women to finally get an equal cut (pun) of all that murdering.
Perhaps you have a sweet spot for Lavinia Fisher, an innkeeper based in South Carolina during the early 1800s, who used to (maybe) murder and rob innocent travelers, disposing of their bodies in a colorful (and possibly fictional) “murder basement”. Aw, beware of basements… they are a common theme.
Lady Bathory was another particularly flashy serial killer, (unless she was framed! Justice for Bathory!). If you enjoy her wacky hijinks, not only are you a feminist, but you’re probably a goth.
If you like Madame LaLaurie, then that just tells us that you watch too much American Horror Story. Unless you liked her before the show, in which case we can deduce that you are a lying hipster. 😉
Does your favorite serial killer live in the same state as you?
Some states have more serial killers than others. I’m lucky enough to live in the proud state of Washington, which boasts more than its fair share of psychopaths and mass murderers. As a matter of fact, if you measure per capita, we have THE MOST serial killers of any state.
Some people blame the gloomy weather, but I think they’re probably drawn to the gum wall, which is a landmark only a serial killer could like.
(I am not a serial killer, in case you were wondering, even though I have a slightly higher chance of being one than people living in other states.)
So, if a Washingtonian claims Ted Bundy or Gary Ridgway as their favorite serial killer, it tells you that they’re deeply invested in their home state, that they’re the kind of person who enjoys collecting local lore and would be a good companion on a long city walk or an excellent guest for your murder-themed podcast.
Do not let them babysit your children, however.
Has your favorite serial killer been in the news a lot lately?
You’ll have to excuse us if we don’t believe you liked them “before they were popular”. Yeah, the Golden State Killer is morbidly fascinating and we’re all glad he’s been caught, but if he’s your go-to, then we know you aren’t taking this whole thing seriously. You probably only like sports teams when they’re winning.
This sort of person is fine to grab a coffee with, but don’t invite them to any dinner parties.
Friend, if this is you, go watch a few Netflix series, listen to a few podcasts and spend a few hours going down dark rabbit holes online. Have a few nightmares and develop a few paranoias. Then I’ll come back and check in with you again.
Does your favorite serial killer eat people?
Well, you’re a special bird. It’s not enough for a serial killer to murder scores of people. You need them to take it one step further. If this is you, then you’re probably some sort of overachiever. It wasn’t enough to get As in class, you needed those A+s to know you were alive. You were probably also the sort of precocious and intense child who always inadvertantly freaked adults out.
Maybe you’re a fan of Joachim Kroll (Germans, ugh) (I can say that because I’m mostly German) (We can be a little messed up) (I promise I’m not a serial killer). If you are, you’d make a terrible roommate, but a decent speaker for a TED Talk.
Our personalities and morals are formed by a miasma of experience, devastation, euphoria, and whatever we happened to bring with us when we popped out of the womb. We aren’t defined by the serial killers we like, but perhaps what defines us is what allows us to make that choice.
Maybe you like the tricky ones. Maybe you like the old fashioned ones.
Maybe you prefer the ones who were never caught, because they remind you that the world is a cold place where you’re always only a step away from terror and despair.
Maybe you like the ones who were caught, because it gives you hope that the world has our backs from time to time.
Either way, it says a lot about how you see the world. Make sure you think long and hard about your answer and what it means about you. I’m also going to challenge all of my readers to go out and have this important conversation with your loved ones.
Then you can decide whether they really deserve your love.