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When the Interviewer Asks, “Do You Have Any Questions?”

Here are some questions you shouldn’t ask.

“Are suspenders approved business apparel?”

“What if they are sequined? I feel more comfortable when I can razzle dazzle.”

“Related: Would you be open to a once-a-week Stephen Sondheim all-day-long playlist? I have a hard time concentrating unless I can share my love of rapid-fire, psychologically complex lyrics about eating people.”

“I like to microwave fish. Just the act of microwaving fish. Sometimes I don’t eat it. I just let the smell waft around me while chunks of fish rotate on the platter. Thinking about it now is making me feel warm inside. Will that be a problem?”

“If someone has a lunch in the fridge, but the name is smudged and illegible, does that mean it’s up for grabs?”

“What percentage of the fridge will be available for my use? I’ve been working on a delicate mold experiment for nearly a year now and I like to keep the samples near me at all times.”

“Will I have to answer the phones? I’m not a big fan of answering phones. I have small hands.”

“Would it be frowned upon to answer the phone “Uncle Bob’s Silly Farm, Carrying All the Sillies You Can Handle and a Few Without Handles”?”

“If we put on a company musical, do you think this is more of a Andrew Lloyd Webber or Rodgers and Hammerstein sort of crowd?”

“On a scale of 1–10, how badly would you say the CEO’s breath stinks?”

“Are hugs between coworkers quick, or do they normally linger beyond 2–3 seconds?”

“Do coworkers tend to talk about sports a lot? Do they wear jerseys to the office? Do they form the majority of their personalities around the teams they follow and the players they like? Do they roll their eyes at jokes about “sportsball”?”

“Will I be expected to make coffee?”

“Will people be annoyed if I drink all the coffee I just made?”

“Will I have to listen to people talk about their children? Are there pictures of children everywhere? Do children ever come into the office? Will people think I’m a bad person if I don’t want to acknowledge the existence of said children? What if I suggest finding a use for the children? Perhaps forming them into an army and sending them out to destroy competitors? We could arm them with staplers. That would be an example of thinking outside the box and not illegal, right?”

“Are the bathroom stalls places where one would feel comfortable inscribing thoughts with a sharpie? If so, would you describe the tone of the statements already written there as “despairing” or “generally upbeat”?”

“People don’t take Hump Day literally, right?”

“Instead of clapping at the end of company meetings, can we make jazz hands?”

“How many liquor bottles at one’s desk would be considered too many liquor bottles?”

“I heard you have an open office plan. If I build a fort around my desk with empty liquor bottles and put tiny legos at the top to keep watch, that would be okay, right?”

“Is this the sort of scandal-prone workplace an enterprising employee could write a bestseller about?”

“Do coworkers have the sort of names that would sound good in a screenplay?”

“Would you be open to Disco Fridays?”

“Is your eye twitching?”

“Why are you calling security?”

“Mind if we connect on LinkedIn?”

“Is it normal protocol to be escorted out of an interview?”

“Why the handcuffs?”

“Ouch?”

“When can I expect your decision?”

Thanks for reading! I am a person in Seattle who writes things. If you want more things from me, I am on twitter and also the proud owner of a baby newsletter.

Written by

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts. http://sarahlofgren.com

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