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Otter in the Vancouver Aquarium. PHOTO: Sarah Lofgren

Why the Otters Should Lead Us

“Haha,” you’re probably thinking. “Sarah is such a nut! Otters! Haha!”

Yes, I am a nut, but that doesn’t mean I‘m wrong about this. Serious times call for serious measures. We need to hand the reins of our democracy over to the otters, otherwise we run a real risk of watching our republic teeter and fall, like a jenga tower stacked by a team of toddlers.

Humans kind of suck at leading other humans

Let’s be honest here. Human leaders? They’re 95% bad.

Every once in a while you might get a Martin Luther King Jr., but most of the time it’s some sweaty son of a governor who is low key open to bribes, gets high off lecturing people about morality and kicked a sleeping homeless guy one time in college.

If the aliens came down and we lined all of our current leaders up in front of them, the aliens would be like, “Call us again in 1000 years. We’ll give it another try.” And they’d scoot off as quickly as they could in their spaceships, probably playing some Jim Croce or Nina Simone on the way out, because at least we can do THAT right.

Now, imagine another scenario, where the aliens come down. We roll out a red carpet. A black van pulls up and secret service members step forward. They open the door.

A romp of otters emerges.

There’s no way that isn’t going to be amazing. All kinds of agreements are going to get signed. Technology will be exchanged. Pictures will be taken and a holiday will be declared. Babies will be kissed and tossed up in the air. People will be dancing in the streets.

No other civilization will ever measure up to us.

Eventually the aliens will go to other worlds and meet other kinds of people. Every time a black van pulls up on another planet and a door opens, whatever steps out will be a disappointment. We win. We win forever, thanks to the otters.

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Photo by David Groves on Unsplash

Pop culture would instantly improve

If otters were our leaders, we’d get much better movies and tv shows. Think for a moment. Would you want to watch a version of Stranger Things where, instead of child actors running around, you’d get to watch otter pups saving the day? Silicon Valley, but headlined by a neurotic and adorable river otter?

Do I even have to ask?

Porgs are already space otters, so Star Wars wouldn’t have to change much.

I bet there would even be a channel where you could watch fish swimming around all day. This is far superior to the televangelists and shopping channels we have now.

Otters unify people

You’re not going to be able to divide the populace on any particular matter, because otters don’t give a crap.

Their platform is food for everyone, lots of playtime, hand holding (especially while sleeping), a mama’s belly for every pup to sleep on, snuggling, kelp, water, forests, grooming, and mischief.

Put an otter on a podium and that otter won’t start demonizing people or trying to abuse its power. Instead, that otter is going to squeak and maybe try to put the microphone in its mouth. This is a sign of strong character.

Other nations will agree. We’re going to get SO MANY requests for diplomatic visits from prime ministers and kings.

Also, no one would dare nuke or invade a country led by otters. Imagine the international outcry. Everyone will be our ally.

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Photo by Steve Halama on Unsplash

We’ve always been a country willing to lead, willing to try bold things in the name of progress.

If we appoint otters as our leaders and it goes well, maybe other countries will follow suit. Imagine how kicky Canada would look with a moose in charge. France is just waiting for a distinguished-looking gerbil to step forward. And a herd of seals could do AMAZING things for Japan.

So, let’s do this thing. There’s never been a better time.

Otters, come find us.

Come lead us.

Come save us.

Thanks for reading! Sarah is a freelancer and otter fan. You can follow her on twitter here. 😄

Written by

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts.

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