So don’t listen to the haters.
These days it’s no longer considered socially acceptable to bathe in the blood of virgins. “That’s not what virgins are for!” most people say. Well, before you pay attention to their self-righteous virtue signaling, consider who is funding all this pro-virgin propaganda. Virgin lobbyists have become ridiculously powerful and are gaining influence every day. Once you start paying attention, you’ll notice pro-virgin messages everywhere. The Society for the Preservation of Virgin Lives and Blood pays for billboards, television ads and even plasters pro-virgin jingles all over the radio.
“If you’re looking for something fancy to sacrifice Maybe a non virgin…
The doomed tale of Prince Feridatto and Princess Hork Hork
Prince Feridatto, first in line to the throne of Hamplock, was having a rotten day. The laces in his embroidered boots had snapped on his way to breakfast, causing him to faceplant directly in front of the Earl of Snoot. At lunch the elk was undercooked and the beets smelled of dog farts. Then, worst of all, in the afternoon his mother, the Queen of Hamplock, called him into her chambers for a discreet conversation about the importance of “carrying on the Hamplock lineage”.
Prince Feridatto did not want to carry on the Hamplock lineage. It sounded dreadful to him…
Should I feel bad using a title like that?
So many people have had rougher days as of late. That’s one of the funny things about the pandemic. We’re all miserable, but we also feel guilty about being miserable, because there are other people who are further up on the misfortune scale.
Person 1: “I can’t go to the movie theater!”
Person 2: “I lost my job.”
Person 3: “My brother died.”
Person 4: “I got COVID and I’m literally dead right now. Please don’t ask me how I’m typing this. Dead people do not have to answer your questions.”
I’m lucky. I’m really, really lucky in the grand…
Has this ever worked for anyone?
About a year and a half ago I decided to become a bangs girl, mainly for two reasons.
- I thought it would make me look mysterious and interesting.
- I am in possession of a forehead so large I have to tilt my head downward if folks want to see where my hairline begins. When I pull my hair into a tight ponytail I look bald.
I’ve always had a huge forehead. When I was a kid, the recess monitors would watch me running around the playground like a maniac and wonder, “why is that hyperactive child bald? And why does…
Yes, I stole this concept from Roz Warren. Thanks, Roz. 👍
Hi everyone! I hope you’ve been having an amazing (and healthy) holiday season filled with fun new rituals, such as garage gift exchanges and candy cane-printed face masks. I read Roz Warren’s article on her top Four Most Popular Medium Stories of 2020 and found the concept appealing. Copying her idea saves me from having to overexert myself. I’m too full of cherry pie and pfeffernusse to even crawl off the sofa, let alone prod my brain into generating original concepts.
Like Roz, I’m going to go by read count, because that seems like the fairest metric. I’ll also attempt…
That old Christmas codger shouldn’t be the boss of us.
My name is Bobby and I’m going to get coal in my stocking this year.
“How do you know you’ll get coal, Bobby?” you ask. “Perhaps you’ll get peppermint sticks or a toy train!”
Ha, you dense adult. I’m not going to get candy or toys. Santa has it out for me. I get coal in my stocking every year. I’m not even a bad child! I’m average at best. There are days when I don’t make my parents cry. Sure, I’ve broken three windows playing baseball in the house, but I also washed a dish one time. Yeah, I…
Why do wishes always come at a price?
It was the middle of the Christmas season and I was exhausted from working a double shift at the mall. I’d served more than my fair share of angry customers and if I never folded a wool sweater again it would be too soon. Plus, there were all the folks who felt it would be polite to pull their masks down when they wanted to talk with me. By the time I arrived home, I was ready to collapse on the sofa and spend the rest of the evening alone, eating leftovers and playing video games.
Alas, it wasn’t to…
Christmas from the before times. As with all things 2020, Christmas is different this year. A holiday where half the songs are in a minor key can probably handle the…
How Bridget Bailey McQuinn finally lost contact with Earth despite all her best efforts.
Children dream of flying. They imagine how wonderful it would be to soar from wall to ceiling, or even burst through the windows and tickle the stars. In their dreams flying is euphoric. In real life it has drawbacks.
Bridget Bailey McQuinn had always been shy of gravity. When she was an infant nestled in her mother’s arms, she’d occasionally sigh happily and rise up into the air. Her mother had to grab her by the toe and bring her back down to the safety of her embrace. Later Bridget Bailey McQuinn started leaving sticky handprints near the ceiling fan…
A tale of glitter and woe.
The sparkly pink death had long spread throughout the county, coating inhabitants with spangles and suffering. No pestilence had ever been so fatal or so dazzling. First came the sequined pox marks, the velvet top hats, the throats coated in stars. Then pink cloaks sprouted from the shoulders of the victims, followed by an insatiable urge to belt out “Rose’s Turn” or “Anything Goes” in a key high enough to pierce eardrums. This last symptom ensured those visited by the pink death would be locked far from the company of others. …
