No one listens to the sea hag, even when they really, really should. — The entrance to the cave was lined with rows of pointed teeth, giving it the appearance of a shark’s leering maw. Only a fool would enter that particular foreboding cavern, about which many songs had been sung—songs including words such as anguish, fester, scourge, and bewail. The mermaid swam inside. …

a short story? fiction? something? — Greetings, The Tripump Association of Kliptos appreciates your efforts in preparing the lippogrinty device for the upcoming launch. It has been a difficult endeavor and soon your hard work will be rewarded with compensation, possibly a paycheck or a discount on luxury travel to the Hrapilino system. No, we can’t…

Or any joke at all. — One of the most challenging things about being a comedy writer is the part where we have to write funny stuff. Other writers, the ones who aren’t trying to make people laugh, don’t know how easy they have it. However, those unfunny writers are finding themselves vulnerable to the rapid…

a short story — Gill sat at his desk with his face planted against the keys of his laptop. Outside a woodpecker tapped at the corner of his house. “Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap.” …

(there is something else) — It was Herbert’s last shift at the department store photography studio and his day had been filled with screaming babies and yowling cats. …

I gave it a whirl… it didn’t work out. — I never found sports particularly interesting, but, in sports’ defense, I never really tried. I was way too wrapped up in my identity as an art snob. Put on a show in an old mausoleum, or talk about how The Pinchers traded Old Buckley to The Push Pins for one…

The coffee shop closed its doors forever on the night before Halloween. The latest victim of the overeager wrecking ball, it was forced to step aside so the march of progress could continue unimpeded. 93 years of operation and 7,807,350 cups of coffee served—a proud legacy on which to end…

It’s an instant energy boost. — Does it ever seem like everyone is tired these days? Fortunately, there are a few activities you can eliminate from your life to give yourself an extra jolt of vigor, keeping you fully conscious and slightly productive all day long. 1. Challenging your friends to coffee drink-offs at 11:34pm every day Sure it’s fun in the moment. It makes you seem…

not literally dying, but an equivalent level of pain, emotionally speaking — I got the smart idea to buy a new office chair, because my old chair was roughly 800 years old and made my butt feel like a bowling ball bouncing across a brick floor. …